No More Arguing Over In-laws

Money and in-laws, could there be any two more daunting topics to discuss at the same time? For a lot of couples all over the world, both of these can create marriage discord or at least a good argument that will last a couple of hours to a couple of days. But wouldn’t it be great to know that there is a better way to deal with both? You don’t need to get into arguments over these topics and actually both can be beneficial and wonderful in your life. For now, we’ll just focus on the in-laws.

I’m one of the really lucky ones because I absolutely LOVE my in-laws. They are probably the best people that I could have ever imagined. I even joke with my husband that his parents love me more than him, which I think might be a little true. If he needs to speak with his mother and she isn’t answering when he calls, I hand him my phone because 90% of the time, even if she didn’t answer his call, she answers mine. Also if we both have called, she always calls me back first. I also love that fact that even though his dad and I have a hard time communicating, we get a long great! He is always ready to play a game of dominoes with me or listen to my broken Spanish attempts at stories. And vice versa. I will play a game with him anytime and will listen to his broken English attempts at stories he wants to share. These two, along with all of the many brothers and sisters-in-law that I have bring my life joy and fulfillment.

I think that one of the things that helped my relationship with my in-laws in the beginning was that they didn’t always just want to talk to my husband. They would call his phone, but if I threw in a “hello!” while they were talking, they were suddenly wanting to speak with me and see how I was doing and what was new in my life. This made me think of them more as my own mother and father and not just my husband’s parents. In the article Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws by James Harper and Susanne Olsen states,

“Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.”

I think this is so true! My in-laws were very easy going, but wanted us to know that they would like to be involved with important events in our lives and with holidays was very much appreciated and it made us want to spend more time with them.

Who’s the Boss?

Wife, husband, parent, child… who is the boss? Some may say the husband because he is the man of the house! Some might say the wife because “if she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” Others would boldly declare the parents because they are the ones that make the rules and they are the ones that need to enforce them too. And some might say the children because their attitude runs the show and decides where and for how long the family might go somewhere. All of these are correct to an extent, but the biggest shocker is that none of these are the boss. Each of these individuals have to work together. The husband and the wife have to work together to be able to provide a loving and positive home life for themselves and their children. Children need to work with the parents to establish and maintain rules, a clean home, and a positive loving environment where everyone feels included and loved.

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners (Proclamation to the World).

This is how parents, husband and wife, work together to keep the home happy and working smoothly. At times, one needs to jump in and help the other out with their role, but really, this is the best scenario for a happy, loving home.

In my family right now, my husband does a great job of presiding, providing, and protecting. He takes great joy and understands his responsibility to fulfill these roles, but at the same time he is also taking care of some of my nurturing roles. As I am in school and need time to study while our children are still awake at night, he does a great job of playing with them, bathing them, and putting them to bed sometimes without my help. He hasn’t complained once about needing to step in to this role or about the extra work it is requiring on his part while he is alone with our three very active boys at night. He knows it won’t be forever and seems to enjoy the time with just him and his boys most nights. I am grateful that he is willing to jump in and not stick with the traditional outlook of how a family should run 100% of the time because it just doesn’t work like it should 24/7, 365 days a year.

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed (H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).

I LOVE this quote because it is what I wish for all marriages to have. My husband and I aren’t perfect at making joint decisions, but we are definitely getting better with practice! This just helps me realize that I can’t be exacting or make decrees for the rest of the family to follow either. We are a team, a partnership, and both of our needs and desires need to be represented and cared about.

Just Friends… Nothing to Worry About

This week I have had the opportunity to think more about my marriage and what I need to do to safeguard it from infidelity. I’m sure I’m like a lot of people who say that I don’t need to worry about this because my husband and I have such a great relationship that neither one of us would ever do anything to jeopardize it. I believe that for most couples that this really will be true, but I read an article today by Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor for the School of Social Work at BYU, and he told of a lady that was committing emotional infidelity and she didn’t even realize it. She felt that one of her co-workers listened to her more and gave her more emotional support than her husband did. When family members tried to talk to her about the inappropriateness of the relationship she tried to tell them that there was nothing wrong with this relationship because she hadn’t done anything physically inappropriate with this co-worker. Then one day her sister asked her some poignant questions and she suddenly realize that her relationship was inappropriate and that she was being unfaithful emotionally to her husband. She was shocked and immediately went to her bishop and the next week she went to her husband and they worked to overcome this infidelity.

The questions that were asked by the sister were:

·         “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

·         “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

·         “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

·         “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

·         “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

·         “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

·         “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

·         “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

You can use these questions to check if you are in a relationship that is beginning to cross the line and turn into infidelity.

This isn’t the first thing I think of when I think of infidelity, but it is a real thing and it can ruin marriages if gone unnoticed. It might start off as a simple friendship, but then gradually turn into something more, that eventually leads to physical infidelity. So… How can you avoid this in your marriage? Is there a sure fire way to prevent this from happening? Sure! The first thing is don’t have close friendships or relationships with members of the opposite sex. Second, make sure you’re emotionally available to listen to your spouse and their desires and be willing to open up to your spouse about your goals and disappointments. Third, try harder to make your spouse a bigger priority in your life. Let them know just how special they are to you and that you value them. These three things can do wonders to keeping your marriage safe!

I honestly don’t feel like my husband and I have a lot to worry about in this regard because we both complain about the lack of friends that we have outside of each other. We don’t really hang out with anyone other than each other and our children. I don’t know if this is what I’d recommend for everyone, but it does make it a little easier to focus on them and what you can do for them when there isn’t anyone else to focus on. It also makes it harder for you to have deep friendships with members of the opposite sex when you’re not hanging out with anyone but your eternal companion! It’s working for us for now, so I won’t complain, but I do hope in the future that we will try and expand our circle of friends beyond ourselves.

What's Marriage All About?

This week has been an inspiring week with lots of new information to consider in regards to marriage. I really enjoyed Dr. H Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. There were so many wonderful insights that were pointed out about how I can be a better wife and help my husband know how much I really love and care about him. We have had a pretty good relationship throughout our six years of marriage. We haven’t had any huge disputes or anything, but we have had a few setbacks because of our pride or our own desires getting in the way. As I read the final chapter, conclusion, and epilogue in Dr. Goddard’s book I was able to feel so much more love for my husband. He also touched on what the Lord’s purpose for marriage is. I loved it…

“It seems that God’s objective for marriage is not merely to provide us with companionship through the treacherous journey of mortality- though it often does that wonderfully well. Marriage is not merely for populating the world- though it can accomplish that. God has loftier purposes. He wants to make us like Him. Phew! Like Him! Unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:13)”

Why did this touch me so much? Maybe because I hadn’t stopped to think about how my marriage would make me more like Him before. This helped me realize that God loves each of us so much that He sent us here and gave us companions, our best friends, to go through this crazy journey with us all to help us grow to become like Him.

The next time you think about your marriage, I hope you’ll stop and ask yourself am I becoming like God or am I becoming like someone else? If you’re not becoming like or drawing closer to God, then you might need to consider applying some of Dr. Wallace’s principles to your own marriage. As you study and work to draw closer to your spouse, you will also draw closer to the Lord, whom we are trying to return to and to become like. How awesome that we will fulfill both roles as we work to draw closer to one! 

Solvable, Perpetual... Does it Really Matter?

In Dr. John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman brings up that even though couples fight about a wide range of things, all marital arguments will fall into one of two categories. The two categories are solvable and perpetual. This seems pretty obvious when you take the time to think about what your normal marital disputes are about, they can either be solved or they can’t. That’s it. Those are the only choices. Some conflicts might take a little longer to solve, but if the right kind of communication exists in your marriage, then it should be easier to solve the solvable ones without making any big waves in your marriage.

He also mentions that 69% of marital conflicts fit under the category of a perpetual problem. This means that the majority of our issues in our marriage will be unresolvable. No wonder there is such a high divorce rate, right? Wrong! Even though the majority of our problems will be with us for the long run, if we can learn to effectively communicate we can keep these issues at bay. A couple of the suggestions Dr. Gottman offered were to keep a sense of humor about these topics and to solve the solvable problems. By keeping a sense of humor we help to diffuse the tension when these topics get brought up from time to time. And when we figure out what our solvable problems are and fix those, then we aren’t burdened with the stress of things that are seemingly unimportant.

If you’re having a hard time telling the difference between your solvable and perpetual problems, I would really recommend looking into chapter 8 of this book where he offers some great examples to help us all better understand the difference. He also shared the following to help us decide:

“If you and your spouse are entrenched in conflict, it may not be obvious which of the two types of disagreement you’re having- gridlock or solvable. One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlock ones. That’s because when you argue over solvable problems, your focus is only on one particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.”

I think this is very helpful information. It’s easy to define which kind of argument when it’s broken down in this regard. One of the conflicts my husband and I have frequently is that of how to discipline our children. I feel that we will continue to have this debate until our children are no longer living in the house. I feel that we need to give immediate punishment and not just verbally rebuke them for the wrong doing. Often times this causes an issue because I would like him to put one of our sons in time out and he feels that a simple, “No! No!” will suffice. It’s frustrating at times, but we are getting better at learning to deal with this being a perpetual conflict for us. 

Pride Doesn't Equal Happiness in Marriage

“Nancy and I have good friends whose marriage is probably typical of many. Occasionally the husband gets irritated and begins to carp on his wife’s faults and limitations. “Why isn’t the house clean?” “Why haven’t the kids done their chores?” “When will dinner be ready?” The wife bore the nagging as long as she could. On one occasion she grew weary and reacted, “You know, you have faults too!” And the husband replied, “Yes. But they don’t bother me like yours do.”

Have we ever felt like this in our homes? Have we ever become obsessed with our spouses faults to the point that we can’t think of anything else because they bother us more or differently than our own faults? I feel like there are a lot of couples that have this as a common thread in their marriages. President Ezra Taft Benson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints warned against pride. In his talk Beware of Pride he says,

“The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures… Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.”

 This sounds like a winning combination in a marriage doesn’t it? Dr. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work encourages couples to let their partner influence them. When you’re allowing your partner to influence you, you’re getting rid of that pride that would normally prohibit such an experience. In his book he mentions this,

“The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husband when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.”

This sounds like a much better outcome than that of a pride filled marriage.

My husband and I have struggled with pride getting in the way of our happiness before, but the good thing is… we haven’t let it stay! I think pride is something that tends to pop up in our marriage when one of us has had a lack of sleep for several days, mainly thanks to our small children, or when we are more stressed than normal. We don’t usually even realize that pride has glared it’s ugliness in us until the other one points it out. This is something that I’m glad usually only creeps in for one of us at a time. If we were both to allow our pride into our marriage at the same time, I feel like it would begin the shattering process in our marriage. My husband and I are both very competitive and I feel that we would do as President Benson mentioned and would try to elevate ourselves more and more above the other until there is nothing left in our marriage. Again… I’m so glad that one of us has always had the mindset to not engage when the other one starts because the one that doesn’t engage is always able to help the other understand what they’re doing relatively quickly and we are able to move on so that this doesn’t happen.

I think one of the best things that I have read that will help me in my marriage in the future is to remember Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s advice.

“I don’t have the right to correct anyone I don’t love. You see the irony! I am inclined to correct my partner when I don’t feel loving. When I do feel loving, the irritations roll off my soul like water on a duck’s back.”

So… What can I do? Remember to love my spouse with my whole heart and then I won’t be caught in the awful cycle of pride! 

I love you… but I don’t want to look at you?

Have you ever tried to express your love to someone with your back towards them? It can be quite difficult because you don’t know if they heard you, were paying attention, or if they have a desire to reciprocate your feelings. So… what can be done? You could turn towards your partner. What a great idea. Don’t you love looking at the face of the person you love anyways? I feel that it’s better to always look toward your spouse than to turn away, plus it’s more fun!

Dr. John Gottman, author of the book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says,

“The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

He believes that running errands such as grocery shopping, going to the laundromat, and washing your car together will strengthen your marriage better than a romantic trip will because a romantic trip will only spark flames that are already present. If you haven’t been fueling your relationship fire, then their won’t be any sparks to ignite when you are alone in a romantic place.

Another way to turn towards your partner is to be more diligent and concerned at home. Elder David A. Bednar offered the following in October 2009,

“Express love and show it. We can begin to become more diligent and concerned at home by telling the people we love them that we love them. Such expresses need not be flowery or lengthy. We simply should sincerely and frequently tell them we love them.”

Just think if you and your spouse made it a point to several times throughout the day to say I love you or to show them you love them by a small act of kindness. Our relationships we be so much different and for the better!

My husband and I realized about a year ago that we weren’t taking the time to do these simple steps and our marriage was beginning to suffer. We decided that this simply wouldn’t do because we were both committed to our marriage and were both surprised and upset at where we had allowed our marriage to end up. We began doing more together, talking, reading, studying, and trying to do small things that would show our love to one another. This has had a tremendous impact on our marriage and we have been able to see how much we have benefitted and our friendship has grown. I can see why Dr. Gottman says this is such an important principle in marriage.

Below is a list of some of the things Dr. Gottman suggests you can do to turn towards your spouse.

  

  1.    Cook dinner, bake.

  2.    Clean house, do laundry.

  3.    Plan and host a party.

  4.    Exercise together.

  5.    Order takeout.

  6.    Listen to music.

  7.    Watch TV or stream videos.

  8.    Shop for groceries. Make up the grocery list.

  9.    Pay bills

  10.Walk the dog.