Pride Doesn't Equal Happiness in Marriage

“Nancy and I have good friends whose marriage is probably typical of many. Occasionally the husband gets irritated and begins to carp on his wife’s faults and limitations. “Why isn’t the house clean?” “Why haven’t the kids done their chores?” “When will dinner be ready?” The wife bore the nagging as long as she could. On one occasion she grew weary and reacted, “You know, you have faults too!” And the husband replied, “Yes. But they don’t bother me like yours do.”

Have we ever felt like this in our homes? Have we ever become obsessed with our spouses faults to the point that we can’t think of anything else because they bother us more or differently than our own faults? I feel like there are a lot of couples that have this as a common thread in their marriages. President Ezra Taft Benson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints warned against pride. In his talk Beware of Pride he says,

“The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures… Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.”

 This sounds like a winning combination in a marriage doesn’t it? Dr. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work encourages couples to let their partner influence them. When you’re allowing your partner to influence you, you’re getting rid of that pride that would normally prohibit such an experience. In his book he mentions this,

“The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husband when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.”

This sounds like a much better outcome than that of a pride filled marriage.

My husband and I have struggled with pride getting in the way of our happiness before, but the good thing is… we haven’t let it stay! I think pride is something that tends to pop up in our marriage when one of us has had a lack of sleep for several days, mainly thanks to our small children, or when we are more stressed than normal. We don’t usually even realize that pride has glared it’s ugliness in us until the other one points it out. This is something that I’m glad usually only creeps in for one of us at a time. If we were both to allow our pride into our marriage at the same time, I feel like it would begin the shattering process in our marriage. My husband and I are both very competitive and I feel that we would do as President Benson mentioned and would try to elevate ourselves more and more above the other until there is nothing left in our marriage. Again… I’m so glad that one of us has always had the mindset to not engage when the other one starts because the one that doesn’t engage is always able to help the other understand what they’re doing relatively quickly and we are able to move on so that this doesn’t happen.

I think one of the best things that I have read that will help me in my marriage in the future is to remember Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s advice.

“I don’t have the right to correct anyone I don’t love. You see the irony! I am inclined to correct my partner when I don’t feel loving. When I do feel loving, the irritations roll off my soul like water on a duck’s back.”

So… What can I do? Remember to love my spouse with my whole heart and then I won’t be caught in the awful cycle of pride!